Emberkreiss

It's a good thing that during this short stress-free break that I have between semesters I can actually enjoy my time off and get things done because I'm so well-rested. Oh wait. FML.

Last Light

I don't think I've woken up naturally in years, and this morning this was case. I have nowhere to be, no real plans to tackle, but I'm feeling extremely well-rested for the first time in almost a year of nearly no breaks whatsoever. I'm pretty sure I'm spending most of the day with my parents and I'll make sure it's a productive one for sure.

It's nice to know that although we grow old and quickly become less and less excited for christmas, the simple act of relaxing and enjoying the company of your family is enough of a gift in itself. I know I'm a strong person, but I'm extremely thankful to have such loving and understanding parents who've bent over backwards and spent nearly every penny they have to keep my brother and I healthy, fed, and educated for 22 years. I know the struggle that living on my own at this time would bring, and it's nice that I can concentrate on building a better me, before tackling other life obstacles. It's weird to see my father retire from a job he's busted his ass at for nearly the same amount of years I've been alive. It's weird to see how everyone gets along in our extended family now that the majority of the children are adults or teens.

Besides the matter of paying thousands and thousands of dollars to an education in which I'm struggling to master the non-major/important parts, I really can't complain. I don't know how much of a rush I am in to get a really real job anyway. I'm fine with standing around listening to music all day and selling ready clean to coke addicts.

I need you to be the strength of widows and soul survivors
I need you to be as fearless as new mothers and new fathers
I need you to be the hope of hearts who lost true love
I need you to be the might of their first kiss
I need a purpose and I need a reason
I need to know that there is trophy and meaning
To all that we lose and all we fight for
To all our loves and our wars
Keep breathing
Keep living
Keep searching
Keep pushing on
Keep bleeding
Keep healing
Keep fading
Keep shining on
This is for the hearts still beating

A Simple Reminder

Some thoughts:

I don't think it's normal to be capable of sleeping into any part of the evening, but I seem to accomplish just that any chance I get. I wonder if it's because my body never gets the appropriate amount of rest and on certain days it just sort of turns off and I catch up. I might even have to do with the fact that my room sees little to no sunlight at all, and neither does my black heart. LOL. But seriously...

I wish I could overcome whatever is hindering me from using certain talents to contribute to the heavier-musically driven world, but I honestly believe that I just somehow grew out of it. The hard part is the slight amount of adrenaline that still runs through me when I see my friends doing what I used to love so much. It's just a small reminder of how I used to be able to release such negative energy in a really positive way. Things just became really clouded eventually, and I think I'll just forever associate it with those moments. I need not revisit them. I think it also has to do with time, money, and the fact that I can do musically whatever I want and whenever I want without including anyone's sad ideas but my own.

Everything has gone pretty stale.


For someone so fortunate. this is really unfortunate for me:

The Rain Has Stolen Our Goodbye

Christmas seems 30x less hectic this year in regards to store traffic. I suppose the economy really is taking a step back and realizing the true meaning of this "holiday". Oh, and the fact that most people are struggling financially. Money doesn't seem to be much of an issue to me really. Sure, I'm broke, and I'm still in tons of debt not including my soon to be school loans, but I think what it comes down to is as long as me and my loved ones are healthy, have a roof over our heads, and food on the table, it's not really of great concern. After all, spending more money on things I don't need will ultimately clear my debt right? Hm..

Went to DC with Jon today. I encouraged him to spend over $100 on jeans, and it sorta kinda worked in my favor. No worries, I'll buy him a $200 tailored pair of suit pants for when he's in my wedding in year 2043. That might even be still too early of an estimate thanks to the fine selection of women baltimore has to offer.

I hope mom likes her pink and white polka-dot digital camera.
I hope dad figures out something that I can get him because he's just a stubborn with receiving gifts as I am.
I hope I can continue stay in what has become the best physical shape I've ever been in.
I really don't think I could handle being set back another semester because of shitty fucking GFRs.
I'm glad that I will have time for people again up until Jan. 4.

And I can't stop watching this, even though it's floating around the internet like beach-ball at a NIckelback concert.

Celeb look-alikes...

NAHHHHH. Why are most of these women?!? assholes.

Missin' You

One day, I'll know how to do these things, and I know several of you want to be right there with me.
What a damn good song too.

Mmmm

This is entirely gross and hilarious:

Tengo que estudiar

After sleeping in 'til 8pm today, I temporarily avoided studying for my Spanish final by watching Dragon: the Bruce Lee Story. I haven't seen it almost 10 years, so I was generally interested in the story of Lee's life rather than just simply looking for entertainment. The story was compelling, and it blows my mind the fact that someone in such shape died at only 32 from brain swelling and a muscle relaxer. I did some research and read that Lee was an atheist, and is regarded as only of the most physically and mentally fit athletes in history. I'd really like to read one of his books on philosophy and fitness because I think it might be of actual interest to me. I've used to regard the idea of Bruce Lee as a "silly karate actor", but I just think that's what most people get to witness.

Fun facts:
-Lee's striking speed from 3 feet with his hands down by his side reached
5 hundredths of a second.
-In a speed demonstration, Lee could snatch a dime off a person's open
palm before they could close it, and leave a penny behind.
-Lee could perform push ups using only his thumbs.


Really though, I need to ace this Spanish final or I'm fucked.

Videos, unrelated, but they never get old, and the parody as just as good if not better than the original:

21st Century Life

If you haven't heard Sam Sparro yet, you need to. It's a modern, dancy, funky, soulful whiteboy that reminds me of prince. I mean, he kind of seems like a really big tool, but I also feel like he doesn't really take himself too serious. Oh well, the music is fun and great for moods of the upper and brighter emotional status. Be sure to check him out.

Docile

I'd like a new layout, and maybe if I fucking feel like it, I'll get around to changing it.

I wonder when people will stop thinking they've got such a hold on what classifies as art and design.

I wonder when people of Baltimore will stop making this shitty "ghetto-tech, let's just have so much fun, brightly colored" music that's getting us more recognition than needed. And by recognition I mean loyal Parisian followers and a write up in Rolling Stone and Playboy Magazine.

I've been trying my best to word it properly, and I think I'm just having a really rough week, or maybe even a rough year, but I'm trying my best to hang on to the things that I think actually appeal to me, and hope that they are not just things to distract me from myself.

This is unrelated, but very relative. http://dearoldlove.tumblr.com/
Some of these are clever, some of these are hilarious. Most are heartbreaking.

Boxer Rebellion

It's time for a serious vacation.
My mind is already gone, but I am still physically here.
Inept.

Fordlandia is one of the most beautiful albums I've ever heard.

The past few years I've gained an incredible desire for the music of modern-day composers and foreign avant-garde classical artists. I find passion and beauty in all music, but very few actually connect with me through tones and minimalist compositions that aren't included in this fantasy-genre of mine. Maybe it's how closely some of these compositions resemble my own methods and pieces that allow me to relate so well. They remind me so much of "audio journals" which have been my primary outlet for the past few years. It's the best personal therapy, next to exercise, that I'm beginning to swear by, to help me learn to appreciate myself a little more. Things can sometimes be really unnerving and emotionally destructive, especially when the only real thing to blame is yourself, and I constantly feel like I'm stacking thicker and thicker layers upon a seal that will just eventually give way from the weight. I just keep telling myself, that one day I'll look back and appreciate each and every struggle, and know that I am the man that I always wanted to be, and know that these carefully fabricated little moments will calmly reassure me.


this is the world that we live in, and I feel myself get tired

Jamais Vu

It seems like everything is falling into and out of place. Like small circles through proportioned squares. Listening to my ANTHRO professor talk is like hearing an aged relative blabber on about some shitty war story. I'm beginning to wonder if I'm actually ADD or I just really loathe school. I need rest, I need the company of my friends, I need to catch up on reading, I need more time for my music, and I need more time to work out. All of the above, including spicy foods might I add, aid in the release of endorphins to my brain, THUS, a positive August. Let's be real here too, it's going to be a lonely and musically productive fall.

fuck

Like the Ocean Floor, I'm Thinking

I just got home from the pianos/caution children tour. To say the least, it was a breath of fresh air and just the right amount of self-reflection I needed, yet I feel even more indifferent than I did before I left. Once you have a taste of the world outside of your routines and social boundaries, you long for more, but begin to appreciate "home" for what it is and not for what it lacks. 

I don't need to repeat anything that was said, name-drop anyone I met, or mention any place that I saw. It's all where it needs to be, and everything both positive and negative made yet another experience memorable enough in itself. The Caution Children, however, are wonderful individuals and musicians and I wish we had spent more time with them. Their music will fit perfectly into my little book of nostalgia in a pretty big chapter of my life.

Sidenotes:

New contacts won't fit right.

1 year of school left = anxiousness, depression, excitement

Haven't worked out in 2 weeks, big no-no.

I'm in love with every little part of nothing.

Reset

When I look at past posts, I'm embarrassed of myself. When I think of how I feel, and how I act, and things that I like, I don't want to like or embody those things anymore. Always foreword, never back. I care too much about my appearance.

Waves Waves Waves

Philadelphia has the right vibe goin' on. Definitely probably maybe moving in year. Summer classes are so fucking annoying. I hate this thing now.

Let Live the Skeletons

Real irritated. 

I know it is of typical post teenager "twenties" syndrome, but seriously, when can I take control of responsibility and enjoy myself?

Eat. Sleep. Work. Repeat.

At the Base of the Giant's Throat

I can't really catch a break. This has been the roughest year I've ever experienced, but somehow I'm managing to stay level-headed. I've put over $2000 into repairs for my car in the past 5 months or so just to have some fuckhole slam into last night and of course drive off. I didn't know about it until my neighbor told my parents this morning. It turned out to be less damage/cost then I'd anticipated and my loving Aunt offered to pay for the damage. I am so very thankful for my family and close friends. Thank you for keeping me sane. Oh, and you too music. Fuck, I hope I pass my exams this week.

Lights in the Sky

I've never met anyone else with such an irregular sleep pattern as I.
Somehow managing to stay up all night always puts me in the best morning mood. It's probably because I'm awake to enjoy it, and there also lies no fear of waking up late for work, which has been all too frequent lately.

Speaking of sleep, I had a highly involved car accident in a dream the other night. Apparently it represents how much distress I've been in because of a certain forced path I'm on. Go figure.

Speaking of dreams, I know for the most part they're involuntary, but I need to learn how to shake certain ones. Certain parts of my life are gone and are no importance to me any longer. I need not be reminded all the time when I'm fucking supposed to be at a state of peace.

Last night's weather was beautiful. Fuck.

Apnea

I can't even begin to remember, what satisfaction feels like.
21 years old, and entirely scatter-brain.
I used to think I'd be somebody.


I need a paid year off, to live somewhere like Alaska, or Sweden, and do nothing but use visual and mental inspiration to record libraries of music.

rollerskating was a blast. some little slut hit on all of us dudes. little boys and girls were freak dancing because of us. we looked great. forgetting sarah marshall was hilarious and depressing.

later.

When All Light Dies

Every now and then, I get a nice little compliment, and no matter how awkward the situation might be at the moment, it really makes my week. I'm just as self conscious as everyone else, so a little unexpected lift once in a while rules, and I'll take it.

On that note, I just bought two suits, and for of all the times I've heckled myself and felt below even just the standard, I'm allowing myself to say that "damn, I look good in them."

Oh, and I'm still really really broke. Tattoo is done though.

I can't stop listening to Jedi Mind Tricks. 

At the Age of Decay

I forget why I even started this thing.

Things are weird.

Kings Upon the Main

This has been a well-needed little break, and I'm enjoying catching up on sleep and re-accompanying my friends. There is a good amount of work I should be doing, but fuck it, I deserve a break. I'm in dire need to express myself musically, so I'm working on getting my Reason to work again, but it's not looking good. I think I'm going to invest some money in a mic or two and start incorporating vocals for something similar, but separate from what I'm already doing. We'll see. 

I'm just going to put this out there...

I'm nowhere near a perfect individual, but if everyone followed a good amount of pointers in which I live my life by, maybe the world would be full of rainbows, lollipops, and beautiful unicorns.

I'd like to hear what you have to say about this:



Life is so interesting, especially with all of the people we encounter. You never realize that no matter how much you think people are alike, we are so different, and that's what makes things go 'round, whether it be good or bad. Family, friends, and health are the most important factors, and you can't forget personal satisfaction either.

Nothing affects me, that isn't permanent. People, places, misfortunes, feelings, all come and go. I love the people and situations in my life dearly, but I'm designed to adapt accordingly and un-accordingly to them and the things that surround us. I leave enough of myself, so that if I need to let go, I can survive.

Everything is a joke to me. I have very sarcastic sense of humor, but I am always mature at the times appropriate. There's no reason to be Mr. or Mrs. Stern all god-damned day. Chill the fuck out and stop taking life so seriously. Sure I can understand when things aren't going your way, or you're just having "one of those days" but there's no reason to lose your shit 'cause someone made your latte wrong, or 'cause you can't do math correctly during some sort of purchase, etc. etc.

I have a terribly crude and nasty sense of humor, I don't hold back, and neither should you. Unless anything is ever purposely directed your way and intended to "hurt" you, relax or just laugh it out. I know not everyone has the same sense of humor, but there is NEVER any need to get all bent out of shape because someone has offended you in a non-intentional or serious manner.

I'm human, and you are too, and we tend to make quick assumptions. Sometimes it's necessary to be blunt, most of the time it is not, because there are no clones, and we are not going to agree with anyone 100% about anything they do, think, or say. Use your brain. With that in mind, talking down to a stranger, or anyone for that matter, is completely inappropriate, especially when it's just for kicks. I judge people all fucking day, but that doesn't mean they're some shithole of a person, nor would I laugh in their face about it under any circumstances. Sometimes I prefer the assumptions first that way if I do get to know someone, I'm completely proven wrong, and that's considered good news to me. Have a little respect, and hopefully you'll get the same in return.

I wouldn't consider myself selfish, or selfless. They are silly concepts, that just happen to be abused. I can't make everyone happy, but there's no reason not to try for the people that deserve it. Congruently, my own personal satisfaction is just as important. I sometimes lose a little bit of myself when I'm busy pleasing others, I just do my best to make time for me later on. There's no reason we can't balance happiness, responsibilities, and priorities. Sure, sometimes I find it hard, but things seem to come full circle, and if they don't, maybe you're not trying hard enough.

Pick your battles, and weigh out the situation. I could be doing better things with my time than listen to you whine about how he or she doesn't get along with so and so and it's become so much of your problem now that you lose sleep over it. Seriously, get the fuck along, or at least be civil about it. Unless they physically hurt or seriously emotionally scarred you or someone you know, there's no reason you can't be cordial with them, ESPECIALLY if the problem didn't affect you, and if it did, wasn't direct. I'd expect this from 17 year olds or younger, but not anyone else. Also, fuck the whole "love your enemies bullshit". If you have any enemies, in which it's for some serious reason, then don't waste love and effort on someone that means shit to you. Save it for those that matter.

We are a cultured society, and everyone has their own beliefs and values. Most of them contain the most basic "rights and wrongs" we're supposed to live by. I completely support you and your views on religion, but PLEASE for CHRIST'S SAKE (every pun intended) stop crediting your "God" or religion for downright acts of kindness, or your decision to make the right choices. Of all the things I disagree with, that deal with religion (because no, I don't believe in anything) being kind, going out of your way for people, and making the right choices are my biggest issues. These natural things just exemplify what happens when you use your fucking brain, and tends to show part of what a genuine human being you are or could be. Mr. Jesus didn't teach you how to live, your loving mother and father did.


As most of you know, I am straight edge. This is nothing that will ever change. I don't care what you've heard, or how strongly you feel about the straight edge music scene, that's not me. It's what got me into it about 9 years ago, but it no longer sits prominently in my decision to maintain the "edge status". So, to all you drug and alcohol abusers out there; where do I even begin? I'm not going to go into great detail, because I really could care less about what you do with your time and to your body. It's when it begins to affect the people around you, and that's what bothers me. In the worst cases, people have lost their lives, and that alone should be taken into consideration and maybe you can convince someone to be more responsible in the near future. Stepping down from such a great effect, most of you are inconsiderably annoying when intoxicated. There's nothing that bothers me more, than an over-talkative, over-lovable, violent, "I'm drinking my problems away", cocky drunk. I'm not even going to sugarcoat it, I want stab you in the throat. If you're of age, responsible, and none of the aforementioned, than by all means, do what you want, until than, I'll do my best to avoid you. And as for "drugs", you're pathetic and I ABSOLUTELY hold myself higher than you, friend or not, no questions asked. We can't forget good ol' cigarettes either. Sure, they're not really life threatening to anyone but yourself so smoke away, but in case you had no idea, you smell, they're gross, and you'll probably die of lung cancer.


This was one long ass rant, from one real ass dude.
If you read all of it, thank you, I'm sorry if it wasted 15 minutes of your life.

Seriously though, I try to love everything and everyone, and no not everything is for me, but there's no reason we all can't keep our heads up and live a great life together.

What's the moral of this time-wasting essay?
Don't be a dick or something super rad like that.



Any issues or complaints? I'd like to hear about it, otherwise, delete me suckas.

August

The Solar Sea

Sometimes we lose touch with ourselves.

I never have time to myself anymore.

I'm a little bit annoyed with things lately.

Ciao.

The Persistence of Loss

Well why not? I'm already surrounded by a slew unfortunate events anyway.

Uncle Harry passed away this morning from a massive heart-attack.

I feel extremely guilty, because I can't seem to get upset at anything anymore. Granted he was probably the uncle I knew the least about, but I still saw him just as much as anyone else, and I should be upset to some extent right? Maybe I'm just a little in denial of the whole situation, and maybe the subtle gloominess and shock I experienced earlier in class was out of worry and sympathy for my Aunt Rosie. This is the closest death I've experienced since my grandfather when I was younger; I suppose everyone has their own way of handling things.

In addition to that guilt, I feel like this "post" just ends up about me anyway.

I have a tendency to stack up my emotions internally, and you would think I'd explode one day. This really hasn't ever been the case, yet at least. I'm a pretty strong-willed dude, and I think a lot of it has to do with mind over heart, for appropriate matters.

Note to self: 

The more you avoid your feelings, the more you will become numb, thus, the less you will feel the things that matter, and eventually nothing  at all.

Adrift and At Peace

I'm Old Gregggggg

This morning was horrible. Every part of me hurt, from my toes up to me eyelids. I didn't get to bed until 7 because of it. I did myself a favor and called out of work. I still feel like the living dead, and I can barely focus on this redundant 20th century art bullshit that I'm being tested on tomorrow. One art history class is enough, kthx. 

In even worse matters:

Leopard took a shit on me again last night, when I was trying to update to version 10.5.2.

Called applecare dude, who was real gnarly, and possibly stoned.

Turns out I had to do an "Erase and Install".

I had to copy everything onto my brother's computer and onto my external hardrive from there.

I just wiped everything clean and reinstalled Leopard, and I'm waiting on all of the updates to put my computer back on there, which will probably be another 2 hours or so. real sick...

This was just what I needed when the majority of my current schoolwork and art-related projects involve using this computer. With the addition of me being a piece of shit lazy ass, Pianos are still waiting on their artwork. I really hope I can function tomorrow night, it'd be perfect for getting some work done.

Thursday I'm getting more work done on my arm. so sick. almost done. extremely broke now.

"You wanna go to a club were people wee on each other?

I've got a mangina, I'm Ollllldd Greeeeggggggggggg!"

Kaba Modern

I'm just going to put this out there:


Asians take everything we do and do it ten times better.

In no way is this racial stereotyping of any sort, it's just one giant compliment.
These assholes really can dance:

Germ

I'm weak, and getting sick.

The weather was really nice today.

I'm behind on a lot of things.

Indifferent and temperamental.

Why am I selectively watching Night at the Museum?

Ringfinger

hello.

I'm re-inviting myself back into the world of documenting daily/weekly experiences and thoughts that most of you will find of no use and interest. Which is exactly why you're reading this right now.

For now, I'm placing these thoughts on hold, until I get things under control. It's been a weird day. I'm a little all over the place and should I get any rest again this morning, it'll be just short of two hours. 

Often I feel much like a machine; strayed from its particular function, not a complete waste.